Picture yourself being with the greatest set of college friends for four years and after graduation you are separated from them roughly 3 hours away. Add the fact that you have a demanding work as a College Instructor and a way more demanding law school.

Seeing them go out every other day and plan out activities because they are still together in the city breaks my heart. Yes, I know it’s only 3 hours away. But it’s not that easy. I can’t explain it, but it is not as easy as you imagine it would be.

I really don’t know how to manage my time.

At this hour, I should be sleeping or reading my Legal Ethics book. Yet I spent most of the time playing Temple Run on my iPod and thinking of my blurry love.

Technically, I broke up with you a month ago. So does this mean I should be the one to do the initiative of having you back again? I have this rule that I should see you again first before we get back together. But that might happen too long from now. As I see it, no one would dare initiate.

I won’t deny the fact that I love you. Everyday, I still do. One day I think that I have moved on already, but the next day I will realize that you are still the same old love in my heart. This has become more confusing than ever. I hate this I-love-you-but-I-can’t-be-with-you feeling. The thing I hate more is that I don’t know what’s running through your mind. Do you still love me? Do you still care? Am I still that one girl in your heart? Do you want to see me?

I know life has so much in store for us. I just don’t know if life wants us to part ways or get back together.

Friends say I should never overcompensate. Some say this is outright foolishness already that I ought to stop. But I know you give me happiness; so I won’t let go.

I don’t like the feeling of us being OK tonight, then the following day, your shadow is nowhere to be found. I can’t demand and complain because we aren’t together anymore, but honestly this set-up gets me too tired and exhausted. But as I said, I won’t let go because you bring me happiness.

More happiness than pain. I would just wake up one day realizing all the pain, and for the next hour I’ll be fine with you again.

This is just something that affects everything. My law classmate told me, “If the timing isn’t right, do not push through with it. Better days for you two are yet to come. You just have to wait.” It pays to be patient; yes, I know. I need to learn how to wait. But I want an assurance from you if this waiting we are going through is all worth it.

Irony of myself.

Honestly, with all the revelations I heard last night, I am still confused as to what step I should do next. Give up or just continue? The only thing I know that I have to live by is to do whatever makes me happy. If something is the sole reason why I am happy then I should stick with it.

I am a person who is selfless in a few ways. I tend to consider others’ feelings, put them in a pedestal while my own happiness is being compromised. That’s the way I treat things for so long. But now, people keep on telling me that I need to learn the courage of being selfish.

Positive selfishness is how I call it. Selfishness has a negative connotation yet I need to learn it to help myself. I need to put myself first before anyone else.

I might be contradicting myself if you will compare this entry to my previous one. After giving the issue a serious analysis, I mentally sorted out the facts, and eventually I realized that my happiness comes first. This selfishness did not root out because of ill thoughts or intentions. This is for me; for my own happiness.

Long before, I have always portrayed a good girl role. I always get aggravated by a situation. It’s just like Jazzel is synonymous to being the protagonist in a story. With that, I wanted to try something new. I wanted to deviate from the usual little miss nice girl. Jokingly, I was wishing I could be the kontrabida or the antagonist. And for today, I got what I jokingly wished for years ago.

This is a first time. I never really imagined I will get involved in a story with a plot similar to the typical Filipino mainstream movies. For once in my life, I have become a kontrabida. I won’t give out all the details of this too complicated situation but for all the story’s worth, it made me feel bad. But we all know that I never meant to hurt anyone; I never meant to meddle with your life and feelings.

Now I know where I stand. I will do what is best not just for me, but for everyone else. It has been a hell of a roller coaster ride. Too many ups and downs, and finally I reached the end of the ride.

A break, yet again, is what I need. Forgive me for this hiatus. After all, this is what we all need.

I apologize because I have hurt you so many times. I caused you so much pain without me knowing. I admit, I had a hunch. Unless otherwise proven, it remained a hunch for me but not until now. Now that I know the truth, I am so sorry.

Note to self: Ngayon na alam mong may nasasaktan pala, lumayo ka na.

Baler, Aurora, Philippines.

I called you. You failed to answer on the 8th ring, so I hung up. Then you called. We both said good night. But why does it feel weird? It doesn’t feel the same way anymore.

I want to cry, because, honestly, I’m still this hopeful little girl. I am idly waiting for us to be ok again. I want to cry because all these hopes are bound to drift away. It doesn’t feel right. Or is it just for tonight?

I was so bored yesterday at my Lola’s house so I took a picture of this snowman. #ilovebeingbored 👌 (Taken with instagram)